Well, it happened. Someone has got into a lot of trouble over the SP dossier. Unfortunately, it was not SP. It is me.

Apparently I have been spending too much ‘office time’ videoing colleagues and trying to bring one of them down. I have been told I have to shut it down. Shut it all down. Which I am going to have to do. Right now. I’m doing it. In three, two,

Posted in Noel Ward

My Video Dossier – Part 6

Well, this is all bloody ridiculeuse, pardon my French. First SP doesn’t turn up to the launch at all, then he turns up late, dressed in some sort of onesie, with his new (I am going to presume) boyfriend from the mail room.

I had totally had enough of his particular brand of arrogance slash peculiar dress sense slash weird and unfair attitude to work, that I decided to tell him all about the dossier I have been making. Right then and there. Like a sort of public whistleblower*.

And what do I get for my dedication and loyalty to Berkshire County Council, in particular the Bracknell offices? A shiny helmet to the face**, hurting my nose and top teeth on a scale of ten ratio about seven to eight. It is possible that on a normal human it could have been nine to ten, but I have an extremely high pain threshold thanks to self-teaching myself karate chopping as a child.

I don’t really know what could have driven SP to such lengths. Perhaps he is jealous of my mocha recipes or greater sense of professionalism. Perhaps he has heard about my Triads research, and other suspicious thoughts. But nothing deserves this. I think he should get some professional help – and I don’t mean an electrician or interior designer, I am talking about a psychiatrist which is a weird thing for me to suggest as I don’t really hold with mental illness, and think it’s all in their heads, but SP is a special case. In fairness, the blow was delivered not by SP but by an accomplice, but essentially that just escalates his activities to the level of “organised crime”.

Anyway, I think I have all I need to take this boy down. Down town. I mean that metaphorically – like an American cop, not literally down town, or we would end up at the bowling alley and mulitplex which I objected to at the planning stage.

Down town to the cops. He is not going to know what hit him.

I know what hit me, and I don’t like it.

* A referee?

** The more inane among you might be sniggering “not the first time Noel Ward has had a shiny helmet shoved in his gob” …well, the joke’s on you, because actually it isn’t the first time. Or even the second. It’s the third. Mountain biking is a very competitive sport/pastime and sometimes tempers can flare up, especially in the thinner air we perform in.

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Philip Bourne’s Website

Oh lordy. This is good. Last night I sat down with a Grab Bag of Cool Ranch and a bottle of beer (but one of those beer “magnums” that contains at least three regular bottles). The reason for celebration? ITV +1 were showing The Bourne Legacy (Jeremy Renner is probably my favourite of all the Bournes, incidentally).

During the second commercial break I dusted off my hands and quickly Binged “Bourne quadrilogy”, wondering whether that was a thing*. But more importantly I stumbled upon the personal website of a certain Philip Bourne, employee of Berkshire County Council**.

bourne philogy grab
I find it quite sad that an employee would waste so much company time*** creating such a detailed but ultimately fancy-filled stream-of-consciousness, and then publishing it online for anyone to see. It really gives you some idea of the kind of people that work in this building.

Anyway, here it is. Some content is definitely NSFW (pictures of red-hot fitties, etcetera):

The Bourne Philogy

* It is. But “Bing” as a verb isn’t, apparently, despite my best endeavours.

** Upon further investigation, it turns out he works for subcontractors Qualsource UK, not for the council itself.

*** In fairness, he might have constructed the website during personal hours. However from personal experience, I can tell you there is no way he at the very least doesn’t maintain it, moderate it, and perform other admin privileges during business hours.

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More Drink Recipes

Alan has been staying with me for a while, but has decided it’s not really working and says he’s leaving. When he tried on his white tie for the big reception, I paid him a compliment and said he looked like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger in ‘True Lies’ and Manuel from ‘‘Allo ‘Allo’.  He didn’t like that at all, and then I tried to make things better by saying you could hardly see the mustard stain, and he said ‘what mustard stain?’, and then he said he was going to go online and see if he could find another flat.

Good luck Alan. You’ll be lucky if you can find anyone who makes hot Weetabix as well as me*.

I don’t know if you remember the ‘Mocha Drink Recipe’ post I did. Well. Using the same method, I have tried a couple more recipes with limited success.  I have to use the same 17 second delay each time, but I thought it was worth trying out different ideas – like a hot Soda Stream.

“Teacano” (50% Americano, 50% tea) Rating: 2/10.  You couldn’t really taste the tea, and the Americano smelt like it was off.  I tried adding sugar (free – don’t worry – they are in a mock basket next to the machine).  It didn’t work.

“Green Chocolate” (30% Hot Chocolate, 70% Green Tea) – Rating: 1/10.  It tasted like when you pick up a can of beer at a party and you think it’s your beer but actually it’s just a beer that’s been there for ages, and someone might have put a rolly out in it.  Horrible.  Might make one for SP.

“Latino” (50% Latte, 50% Cappucino) Rating: 8/10 – It tasted like a Capuccino which is my second favourite coffee.

“Chocostrone” – (40% Minestrone Soup, 60% Hot Chocolate) Rating: 6/10 – You’d think this wouldn’t work at all, but actually it was a bit like having your starter and pudding at the same time like they do in the army when they’re in a hurry. Main problem is the two powders didn’t mix, and sort of sat on top of each other in the cup. I felt a bit like Willy Wonka**

Results: I will try “Latino” and “Chocotrone” again.

I took a “Latino” down to Len, and he was in the middle of doing a post on a website called ‘See You EU’, which it turns out is a massively anti-european website.  I honestly don’t know what people have against the EU. They have really good wine, and cafe culture, and live longer because of all the Olive Oil and fish. I don’t like fish, but I do like fishcakes, but would be prepared to learn to like it like I did with olives***.

Someone has broken the handle off my ‘The Stig’ mug, which is well annoying.  They didn’t even leave a note.  It is not insured.

I’ve been on Twitter quite a lot lately, and then thought I should sign into my Facebook page, as I haven’t been there for ages following a minor cyber-bullying incident. I signed in and ‘poked’ a load of people.  I later got some emails saying that we don’t really ‘poke’ anymore.  I know this isn’t bullying, but it also isn’t very friendly, so I’m not going on there again.

* In fairness, I think Alan might be having some kind of medical issues. He doesn’t like going into any detail, or talking about it at all, other than to tell me repeatedly that he doesn’t want to talk about it. I thought as a fellow sufferer (Verucas) we might be able to share some war(t) stories but he’s just not biting at all.

** Gene Wilder or the book one, not Johnny Depp

*** the actual olives – not olive oil which doesn’t have a taste no matter what they say

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My Video Dossier – Part 5

Here is the next part of my SP video dossier:

I am also angry because of something that happened at work. I have taken a new approach with the office fridge, as in my opinion it is much too higgledy piggledy, and no one treats it or the contents with enough respect. Using some packing material I found in the post room, I divided the fridge into different compartments – areas for different colleagues. I then marked each area with a Post-it note, with the colleagues initial on it in capitals indicating whose area is whose.

When I came back to the fridge for a finger of my 11.30 KitKat I found that the Post-It notes I allocated to indicate Alan, Clive, Sabrina, SP, Lizzie, Emma and Omar’s compartments had been arranged to spell the word ‘A.S.S.C.O.L.E.’ Which is an insult to my hard work and dedication to the smooth running of the office, and commitment to respect. Not to mention that it isn’t even a real swearword. Omar is dyslexic so he was my first suspect but then I saw Sabrina sniggering near the big map. Both of them are not white, which is of course totally fine in this day and age, but I don’t want to be accused of racial profiling, even though this is essentially low-grade terrorism. Either way, whoever did this, with their actions they have proved that they are the asscoles, not me.

I like a joke as much as the next man, but Noel is getting pretty near the end of his tether.


Not funny.

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My Video Dossier – Part 4

Another day another request in the suggestion box for the coffee machine in the Green Corridor to serve Mocha Drinks.  No luck so far.  Finger’s crossed.

I continued gathering evidence for the Dossier on the elusive SP, which I have posted below, and I am also considering ordering one of those organic vegetable boxes to be delivered to my house, but I am worried they will put too much turnip or swede in it, which are my unfavourites.

SP is reckless. So is Phil from the mail room. A couple of weeks back, Phil was running around our open plan office making a noise with his mouth. This is normal.  He is always making a noise with his mouth, which he usually thinks are ‘jokes’ or ‘conversations’. He is not successful at either of these.

But he was definitely making a more unusual noise than usual, which is what made it unusual. He was also pushing his mail cart too fast*. I stopped him, and told him that he was acting in contravention of the H&S codes which govern all employees of Berkshire County Council, and if he kept on doing that, there was a relatively high chance he would end up hurting someone’s shins or thighs, or worse. He told me that he doesn’t work for Berkshire County Council, he works for the building and had a different set of H & S codes to uphold. Plus, it didn’t matter whether or not he was breaking any rules because the thing he was doing with the cart was the light cycles from ‘Tron’. And then he said that only idiots didn’t know what ‘Tron’ is or hadn’t seen ‘Tron’. Well. I put him in his place.  Of course I’d seen ‘Tron’.

Well at least I have now.

During the conversation with Phil I think I backed up my ‘have seen ‘Tron’ status’ by describing scenes from ‘Troy’ which stars the excellent Brad Pitt but isn’t his best film.

So – when seeing ‘Tron’ these are my thoughts. The light cycles are a planners’ nightmare, I don’t know which moron thought they were a good idea. There is no clear road delineation, no cats’ eyes, no signals, no safety cameras, no signage, no clear marking of speed restrictions, no hard shoulder, nothing. And to make matters worse, every vehicle that rides around seems to build its own wall, which, as it turns out, are incredibly hazardous to all other drivers. Luckily in the sequence in the film there are only two drivers, so only two walls, but imagine if there were lots more drivers – like there are on the A329(M) flyover – NIGHTMARE!

Fortunately for us (by us, I mean planners), it is only a film, and not to be taken too seriously. I mean, it is just stupid. This innocent fella gets pulled into a crazy world of bad guys. Wouldn’t happen.

* Faster than those mobility scooters, which to my mind, go too fast for pavements and too slow for roads.  They fall between two stools.

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Lizzie’s Dating Profile

You would have to be blind not to know that Lizzie is now single. I don’t mean that to be offensive. Sorry blind people. I don’t mean to suggest that you are less emotionally aware than non-blind people. What is the correct term for non-blind people? How would a blind person even be reading this blog. Do they have braille screens? I bet they don’t. Which makes that an excellent ‘Dragons’ Den’ idea. Braille screens.

Anyway – Lizzie. She totally dumped SP, and I don’t blame her. I would never go out with SP for many reasons, one of which, but not even the main one being that he is a man.

Quickly: if you are blind, and you are reading this or have got a friend / employee / passer-by to read it to you, you should know that Lizzie smells bloody great. You’ll appreciate that more than fully sighted suitors would.

Anyway, here’s why I wouldn’t go out with SP even if I was female: He is always late.  He can be quite childish.  He is messy. Well – I mean his desk is messy, so I can only imagine what his fridge is like or bedroom or mind.

I’d know if he’d invited me to his party, but he didn’t. So what are you going to do. I hereby uninvite you from the future to my stag do that didn’t eventually happen SP if you are reading this.

Anyway. I did a search for Lizzie Green/Elizabeth Green on a couple of dating websites that I have looked at purely for fun, and found her profile on one of them, because I also pay the monthly subscription that gives you the rights to search also for fun. She is already going on the dating websites! Burn SP, total burn. Or she was on them before and never took it down because she wanted to “stay active”. I know that’s what I would do if I found myself in a futile, ill-fated relationship. I hope no one accidentally leaves her dating profile open on his desktop computer.

Here is her dating profile – I did a screengrab so you can read it.

I am a busy professional, and love my job, but I don’t let it define me.  I am a keen amateur photographer (I have just bought myself a second hand DSLR).  I enjoy a lot of European cinema, but also don’t mind settling down to watch a ‘Die Hard’ movie if the right mood strikes. I read a lot, recently I have finally been getting in the Ian Banks books, which I love. I love good food - I am trying to learn to cook properly, but in the meantime, a great seafood restaurant is a guaranteed great night for me. If this sounds like someone you might like to meet - do please drop me a line. Not you Sam. Unless you happen to be called Sam and are dreamy. And don’t own 7 v-neck jumpers.

Firstly, I should say that it would be improper of me to infer or imply that the “Sam” she refers to is any way connected to the SP I refer to in my own online journalism. If you have somehow cracked that code, please don’t spoil it for people who haven’t.

Now, I do not fancy Lizzie, despite how great she smells, but I thought I would try a little experiment. During the day I have been dropping a few hints that I might be the right kind of guy. I ostentatiously showed Alan some selfies that I had taken on my iPhone 4s when I knew Lizzie was walking to the Ladies. I then kept humming the theme tune to ‘Jean De Florette’ when walking past her office. I also bought some Ian M. Banks novels at lunchtime, because it is good to be near, but not on the nose. For my lunch I had a Pret crayfish salad – Seafood – done. I didn’t see Lizzie much while I was eating my lunch, but I saved all the crayfish until she was in the vicinity and ate the salad bit first. I think I then ate the crayfish a bit too quickly, and they might be rushing for my bottom this afternoon. There’s a slim chance I am allergic to shellfish. Which will be a heavy price to pay. In addition to the actual heavy price of the Pret salad.

I think Mr Reid might have a crush on Lizzie, or vice versa.  I bet he thinks the ‘Jean De Florette’ theme tune is the ‘Stella Artois’ theme tune. Which isn’t to say he’s uncultured, because he isn’t. The man’s an inspiration to us all. I’m just guessing he’s a little rusty on his dating technique. I wouldn’t be surprised if their relationship, were it to exist, is built on very business-like sexual foundations.

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